Our Story: Part Five

We started the Intro to IHOP internship in the fall of 2007. I wasn't blogging at the time so it's strange to think back to what it was like to land here in Kansas City.

I remember thinking occasionally, "Why did you send us here God? There are so many people here doing this, why do you need to have us here?" John and I both wrestled with the issue of being "unknown" in a place of many "well-knowns." It was a good exercise for the heart in the area of meekness.

I remember early on meeting Matt and Dana Candler and having dinner in their home. They were so genuinely caring and wanted to really know how we were doing. They assured us that we were needed here, and that before we knew it we would feel like we had always been here. They were so kind. They soaked our family in prayer and listened. They still listen.

I remember looking at people that I saw as leaders and thinking, "They have it all together and I'm a broken mess." I now know that there is not one person here that will tell you they have it all together. They will all tell you they lean hard on Jesus every day.

I remember wondering, "Where will I ever fit in here?" I remember feeling the awkwardness of the first few months of just "being" and learning and not "doing." Serving the Lord can often be a great big cover up for relationship with Him. It was not an easy thing for me- the "not doing", especially because I really didn't perceive there to be an actual need for me to be here anyway. Everyone else seemed to be doing a fine job without me.

I know that's so shallow and so NOT the walk of humility that I long for, but is the reality of where I was. It's the sad condition of the heart when what you do for God is taken away and you feel strangely uncomfortable just "being" with Him.

We sat through hours of teaching by amazing teachers like Allen Hood, Corey Russell, Dave Sliker, Dale Anderson, the list goes on. I absorbed as much as my little brain could handle. In the midst of hours and hours of classes and much time in the Prayer Room, I did my best to home school the kids (stripping it down to just the basics of Language Arts and Math- because they were in the Children's Tracks that accompanied our internship).

That leads me to those first few months with our kids here. Regardless of how immature and awkward, and dark my heart was at times, I held fast to the ever increasing reality that we really really really moved here for our kids. We had no idea the impact that it would have on their lives. I'll save that for another post though.

So here I was in a sea of wonderful people loving and serving Jesus together, and honestly, I felt lost and alone. It wasn't about them. It was about the truth of what was on the inside of me. And month after month, the Lord poured into my heart and began the process of restoring me and making me whole. In the midst of it, I couldn't even see it. I tell those of you out there who sit in the Prayer Room hour after hour feeling nothing, but are still obeying what God has called you to do... it does matter. Your heart is being changed though you may not see it, may not feel it. One day you will look back on the journey and realize that a shift has taken place.

I still have days in the PR where I don't connect. I usually just pray in the spirit then. My human ability to pray is weak at best. But He loves my heart, He knows my desire to obey, and He has grace for my weakness.